July 23, 2013
-
Faith in Myself: A Mission in Progress
I am a terribly emotional person. I always have been. When I am happy, I quite literally bounce around, when I am sad I curl up into a ball and when I am upset or anxious I cry hysterically. As a child I had screaming tantrums until I was approximately 11 years old, and in a slightly different form I still do. At times I feel like my heart is suddenly very heavy, or that my brain is on fire and I want to rip it out. I also quite frequently feel so happy that I want to (and do) dance with joy. I am happiest when I have had validation that I am loved or doing something well. This makes me feel so incredibly wonderful that I cannot imagine ever not feeling that way. However, it only takes something minor for me to completely lose that sense, for it to come crashing down around me. This is what I need to gain control of. I need to find the strength to have faith in myself even when no one is telling me I am wonderful. I may not be able to feel ecstatically happy all the time, but then I wouldn’t really want to as it would take away my appreciation of it. But I do need to find some middle ground as I tend to either find myself dancing for joy or curled up in misery rather than just being content with what is. I need to find faith in who I am, faith that can survive negative moments and carry me through them. That is my mission.
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you?
Comments (1)
I also dance around when I’m happy, or curl up in a ball when I’m upset. I tend to have my crying jags when I’m angry, but they are more frustrated tears than anything due to no one being willing to listen to what I am trying to say. I do have more middle ground, I think, a sense of neutral contentment when things are neither wonderful nor horrible. I have found that reading allows me to hide from my negative emotions until I’m ready to deal with them and writing allows me to get them out in the open where I can deal with them, so my behaviour usually follows that pattern. But I think in the end it comes down to hope; I have faith that better things will come, because I’m doing what I can to make it happen and praying that it will. I can bring myself to a neutral state, as I know everything will be okay in the future. What I need to work on is courage. I think I know what will make me happy, but will I risk everything to reach for it? I’m trying, yet find it so hard sometimes to have the strength to stand on my own with no one to catch me.