I am currently writing an essay comparing two child development theorists. I have read pages and pages of highly technical information about how and why children develop the way that they do and the impact that the early years have on the rest of their lives. Some of it is very interesting and I have found helps me make sense of children that I have worked with. It cannot be denied just how valuable all this research is because without it we would still think of children as little adults ready to be moulded. Though not everyone has knowledge of the people that changed the way that we view children, the majority of us now believe that children are individuals and that childhood is to be enjoyed. Of course some people would probably say that they believe that because it is right and not because a theorist told them. This is the truth but it is also a fact that social groups at any one period in history tend to have similar views and thoughts regardless of whether it was directly taught to them. This of course leads onto the subject of collective subconscious and whether any of us do actually think truly as an individual but that is a whole other subject.

The point of this post is to lead up to the point where I began to cry as I read the thoughts of one of my two theorists. As I have previously stated, the research of these people are very valuable, however, in reading so many you do wonder if any of them view the parents or the child as actual people. Therefore to read the following statement by Donald Winnicott in his book The Child, the Family and the Outside World was a relief…. a relief that resulted in me in tears and saying outloud to an empty room ‘that is just so beautiful!’….

…. “if I were you, I would not wait until the psychologists have decided how human a baby is at birth – I should go right ahead and get to know this little person”

Incidentally… I also cried a little bit later at the X Factor rehearsals (again).

I have recently decided that this is the year to start achieving my dreams. I am now 27 which means in 3 years I will be 30 and this is the point at which I intend on producing some children. Once I have had children it will become significantly more difficult to achieve my dreams unless they are already Works In Progress (WIP). Therefore out of respect for myself and a desire not to get to 50 and be talking about all the things that I wish I had done, I have begun Living The Dream (LTD).

In order to do this I had to first determine what my dreams exactly were. I was pleasantly surprised to find how easy it is to make a very extensive list of Things That Have Been My Dream For YEARS Even Though I Only Just Thought Of Them (TTHBMDFYETIOJTOT). Now that I have thought of them it seems appropriate that I write about them as once they are Out There (OT) I will have no choice but to begin achieving.

Therefore, and without further adieu, I present to you……

….. Dream #1 (incidentally… it took an awful long time to find out how to produce that hash-tag on my Mac keyboard.. I very nearly gave up and didn’t have a post about dreams after all)

 

My first (and ultimate) dream actually is a dream that I have had for years (as opposed to a TTHBMDFYETIOJTOI)

It is to go to Winnie the Pooh’s forest. As many of you should know, A.A.Milne – the author of Winnie the Pooh (yes, it wasn’t written by Disney) (though it was completely ruined by them….) based the woods in which his characters lived (Hundred Acre Woods) on a real nearby forest called  Ashdown_Forest which in East Sussex in England (yes, they aren’t American, despite what Disney would have you believe…). I have dreamed of going there for many many years and despite the fact that it is actually not at all far away from West Sussex where I live I have never managed to get there.

As this is my first dream, it is only fitting that this also be the first dream that I achieve. This is therefore the inspiration for the holiday that myself, my husband and two friends are going on at the end of August. We are staying at my friend’s dads empty house which is very close to Ashdown Forest for a few days with the intention of spending one whole day exploring the forest and it’s museum and tea rooms. I will rein-act many of the stories (at which point I may discover my friends and husband casually walking away in the opposite direction) and most importantly I will play Poohsticks on Pooh Bridge. My friend is intending on making a film of me achieving my life long dream. I think she is hoping she will also get to film the point where I realise that I have achieved it and now there is nothing left for me. Little does she know just how long my list of Alternative Dreams (AD) is (insert cackle here).

“And that was the beginning of the game called Poohsticks,
which Pooh invented,
and which he and his friends used to play on the edge of the Forest. 
But they played with sticks instead of fir-cones, because they were easier to mark.”

- A.A.Milne

I filled this survey stolen from @saintvi out yesterday so when you read it and think to yourself ‘that is clearly a Thursday answer and not a Friday answer’ you are correct. 

What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Water… though technically I suppose it is the edge of the glass that holds the water. It is an awesome glass too. I stole it. From a pub. In my handbag. It was quite possibly my stealthiest moment to date.

Where was your profile picture taken? At my wedding, outside the church mid-being-blown-away-by-love (although actually it was just the wind)

Can you play guitar hero? It distresses me. I try to keep up with all the little things that tell you when to play but then I fail and we all die.

Name someone that made you laugh today? I work with children and it is rare to have a day when none of them make me laugh so probably one of them.

How late did you stay up last night and why? 11pm. I was going to go to bed just before 10, but then I thought to myself ‘I will just watch the whole of this 60 minute program about the Hebrides’ and it turned out that the 60 minute program was a whole hour!

If you could move somewhere else, would you? No because I am already living in the best place in existence. 

Ever been kissed under fireworks? No because it is very dangerous to stand underneath fireworks. They could blow up on your head and you would die.

Which of your friends lives closest to you? My husband lives in the same house, my parents live around the corner and I have a friend from work that lives round the other corner.

How do you feel about Dr Pepper? I feel quite badly about it

When was the last time you cried really hard? On Monday. I try to do so every few days, just to maintain my skills.

Where are you right now? In my spare room

What bed did you sleep in last night? My own bed. Which is the best thing I have ever purchased. I could seriously consider living in that thing. I am not even lying, it is incredible. I have no idea why they don’t build ALL bed’s 6 foot wide.

What was the last thing someone bought for you for dinner? My boss is buying me dinner tomorrow. Just because she loves me (and also the other 9 staff but we won’t mention them… it is totally all about me).

Who took your profile picture? I believe it was one of my wedding photographers. I had several. Just because I can.

Who was the last person you took a picture of? I took some pictures of tiny little frogs in the garden at work. there were masses of them just hopping around the garden. It caused me much excitement and the children momentary joy despite my attempts all day long to reignite their interest.

Was yesterday better than today? Weather wise, no. It was nice and cloudy and a little bit rainy yesterday. Today it was purely sunny and far too hot which left me feeling a little like I were dying. Otherwise, yes.

Can you live a day without TV? Yes. I lived 22 years without TV until I moved out. I do now watch it – though more frequently DVDs, but I would be fine if we didn’t have it… as long as I still had DVD’s and a DVD playing computer – I would actually die if that left me.

Are you mad about anything? Yes. The bacon I was going to eat had gone off from being open too long. Now I have no bacon.

Are you upset about anything? The bacon.

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Yes

Are you a bad influence? Never

Night out or night in? I like a mix of both. I also like to spend a night in while outside or a night out while inside.

What items could you not go without during the day? Water, my phone, a DVD player

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My Nanna, before Christmas when she was in hospital after a fall which broke her hip.

What does the last text message in your inbox say? “OK my lovely. It’s suffocatingly hot in my coach. I love you so much”

How do you feel about your life right now? I feel very positvely

If we were to look in your xanga inbox, what would we find? Mostly mass messages from people telling me what their wordpress account is.

Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I always would!

Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Several times. I don’t let it go to my head.

What song is stuck in your head? Let her go by Passenger

Someone knocks on your window at 2am, who do you want it to be? No one. 2 am is not a time to be awake.

Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? It is unlikely since I don’t plan on having children till I am at least 30 and I plan on encouraging my children not to have their own children too young.

Name something you have to do tomorrow? Work until 1pm!

Do you think too much or too little? I think absolutely non stop. It causes me much exhaustion and emotional break downs

Do you smile a lot? Medium

Who was your last missed call on your Mobile phone? A number from Cardiff that keeps ringing me when I am at work and unable to answer and never leaves a message.

Is there something you always wear? Well I always wear clothes except when I am naked and I always wear my wedding ring, engagement ring and my Nanna’s engagement ring.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Watching an episode of Ally McBeal.

Did you have an exciting last weekend? It was a 4 day weekend. That’s always exciting in itself. I also spent a day writing essays which was pretty awesome. And another day baking with a friend before going out to dinner then to the theatre.

Have you ever crawled through a window? It doesn’t sound like something I would do.

Have you ever dyed your hair? Every few months for the last 10 or so years.

Are you wearing a necklace? No, I rarely do

Are you an emotional person? Much more than is healthy

What’s something that can always make you feel better? Ally McBeal, Sex and the City, Friends, Pride and Prejudice, The Wedding Date, The Ice Princess, Princess Diaries, Sound of Music, Mamma Mia and various other DVDs

Will this weekend be a good one? Yes! I am going to London for a family lunch for mine and my sisters birthday. I may even get more presents.

What do you want right now? Sleep. And also to see a Basking Shark.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing? All the time when I was younger.

Have you ever worked in a food place? No. I have only worked with children.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Get up at 8. Go to work at 9. Leave work at 1. Laze around for the afternoon. Maybe watch more Ally McBeal. Maybe do some washing. Get ready. Go out. Eat dinner and smile because I am not paying for it.

Does anyone know your xanga password? My husband could probably work it out since most of my passwords are the same. I probably shouldn’t tell you that. NO ONE KNOWS!

I am a terribly emotional person. I always have been. When I am happy, I quite literally bounce around, when I am sad I curl up into a ball and when I am upset or anxious I cry hysterically. As a child I had screaming tantrums until I was approximately 11 years old, and in a slightly different form I still do. At times I feel like my heart is suddenly very heavy, or that my brain is on fire and I want to rip it out. I also quite frequently feel so happy that I want to (and do) dance with joy. I am happiest when I have had validation that I am loved or doing something well. This makes me feel so incredibly wonderful that I cannot imagine ever not feeling that way. However, it only takes something minor for me to completely lose that sense, for it to come crashing down around me. This is what I need to gain control of. I need to find the strength to have faith in myself even when no one is telling me I am wonderful. I may not be able to feel ecstatically happy all the time, but then I wouldn’t really want to as it would take away my appreciation of it. But I do need to find some middle ground as I tend to either find myself dancing for joy or curled up in misery rather than just being content with what is. I need to find faith in who I am, faith that can survive negative moments and carry me through them. That is my mission.

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you?

Earlier this week as I sat on the train home, I decided to listen to American Pie by Don McLean. I had found myself singing this song a few days before and it had been in my head ever since. I listened to the entire song (I always forget just how long it is), and then my iPod continued to the next song. I had bought the album some years ago on the basis that I knew that I liked the song American Pie and another of his song’s ‘Vincent’. On listening to it I decided that I actually did not like any of the other songs and have not listened to them since (though for some reason kept them on my iPod…).

However on this particular day I decided that I would leave it playing…. just to see. I found myself really connecting with the songs, tapping my feet and attempting not to sing along (it is usually a bad move to start singing along to songs that only I can hear when I am on a fairly quiet train). I have now listened to the entire album several times since and it led me to think about how our tastes change over time.

Songs that I used to love I now can’t bear to listen to and songs that I used to hate fill me with joy (or occasionally that mild sense of depression that is actually quite joyful). I used to have an extensive list of foods that I absolutely and completely hated, that I couldn’t even stand to put in my mouth. Nowadays the majority of these foods are now on the list of foods that I love (with the exception of aubergines/eggplant obviously, they remain vomit inducing). For years my favourite colour was green and then for most of my teenage and adult life it became blue. I am now gradually beginning to favour red… though blue will always have a special place in my heart if only because a lot of the things that I own are blue and it would expensive to replace them all.

It is interesting to consider the changes in your life, in your personality and in your tastes. It is also interesting to consider what has remained the same. For example, I still love to dance, though I have never had any kind of lessons… I dance on my own as I move around the house, I dance in my head more often than not and I make little dancing steps as I walk down the street. I cannot remember a time that I have not done this and I hope that it will remain.

I think that we too easily forget the parts of our personality that make us so special, so unique, so wonderful. Our lives are a story, even if we think that we are not interesting. We should be proud of who we are and we should strive to stay true to ourselves.

But there’s no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I’ll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

I was in the process of casually ignoring this whole Potential Xanga Death thing. I am not a fan of endings, in fact I actively avoid them. I am also not a fan of thinking about things that make me sad. I put them all in boxes in my head and refuse to think about them until it gets too much and I find myself hysterically crying. This of course only adds to my insanity…. but nevertheless, I was in the process of doing those things. I had also managed to convince myself that I didn’t really mind too much what happened since I rarely manage to post anything and an average of about 3 people read what I do write. I had hoped that I would come back after 3 years and instantly be a big part of the Xanga Community again but I successfully failed at doing this – so when the news of Xanga’s demise came out I decided that I wouldn’t be too worried. I have a WordPress and a Tumblr account and I felt quite excited about the prospect of starting completely from scratch. However, on closer inspection I really don’t understand either of them. Twenty seven (almost) years old is far too old to be learning something new. My brain is set in the ways of Xanga and attempting to decipher the ways of other blog sites is only giving me a headache. Therefore I am considering paying the $48 for a year of Xanga – though I have no idea what that is in real money (but then dollars AREN’T real money anyway… it’s like monopoly money, so therefore I will technically be getting it for free anyway!).

 

I want to write but I also want to be read. Unfortunately I have to write things worth reading in order that people will read them and want to continue reading them. Perhaps if I have paid for the honour of writing then I will be more motivated to actually write and consequently end up with readers.

Either way, me not having a headache is a very good reason to pay.

I keep thinking to myself that I will most certainly write something today. But then I try and I realise that there is so much going on in my head that it is hard to pick out individual themes. So instead of trying to do that I am just going to write about the happenings in my head….

… imagine you are a scribble on a piece of paper. One that goes round and round and round in circles that cross over each other in a big mess. Now make that 3D. That is my brain. It is a Scribble Ball. Every now and then I experience a very strong desire to just stop and scream, for no particular reason. Of course I don’t actually do that because it is considered inappropriate (with the exception to at the end of the second verse of Row Row Row Your Boat…. “if you see a crocodile, don’t forget to scream, AAAAHHH!” I’m allowed to do it then but there is only so many times that it is acceptable to do so.)

I am in the process of attempting to smooth out my scribble brain. Hopefully it will then become more of a Wavy Brain.

I am beginning to feel more in control (though I don’t expect anyone reading this knew that I was out of control). I am finding enjoyment in my job again, though I still struggle with worrying too much about the other members of staff and how they feel about each other. I am organising my time a little better which will hopefully make it easier to fit in housework, writing essays, seeing friends, spending time with my husband as well as spending time on my own alongside working 45 hours a week. I am finding ways to cope better with my anxiety’s and worries and sometimes they are working.

I am completely in love with my almost 10-month old niece. I only see her about once a month but she is quite honestly the most incredible baby I have ever met and I was not quite prepared for how much I would love her. It is also amazing to see my brother and sister in law as parents, they have taken to it so well. This is possibly helped by the fact that they managed to have the perfect baby… she has slept through the night since she was about 3 months old and even before that she only didn’t because she had to be woken up to be fed. She loves food and is naturally weaning herself off milk. She has an incredible routine which she already knows well and though she does not like naps, when she is put down for the night she makes no fuss at all. She is amazing and I love her.

I am seriously excited for my other brother’s wedding in October. I cannot wait to buy a properly expensive dress suitable for such an occasion. I am also making a ginger cake as one of their wedding cakes so I need to start practicing! We will be eating several ginger cakes before October I feel.

I must finish now so that I can continue smoothing out my brain… and also hang up the washing.

 

 

On Monday it snowed (in MARCH?!?!?!?!). It snowed and it snowed all day long. Consequently the trains all died. English trains are not built to cope with any weather except that of a mild nature. Unfortunately for me, Monday is the day when I have to use the trains. I cannot drive and I have no other way of getting to my placement. So I set off (wrapped up warm) on my trek through the snow, pulling a large suitcase full of toys, to reach the station. On arrival I was greeted by the display board listing many trains as ‘cancelled’ or ‘delayed’. Luckily for me mine was running on time. My 10.00 train arrived right on time at 10.05, and off we went! We stopped at the next station and people got on and off…. and then we just didn’t leave. Finally a man came through the train proclaiming that the train was terminated and we should go to another platform to get the next one. The next train made it to my destination and I was only half an hour late for my placement. However on the way home, I got to the station only to find that my train was delayed by 10 minutes and the one that had been due half an hour before still hadn’t arrived. This station has very little shelter. It was cold and I was turning very quickly into a snowman (a cold one). Each time we approached the time that one of the two trains was supposed to be arriving the screen would change and it would be delayed another 5 minutes. And then the train that had been due before mine was cancelled, while mine continued to get later and later. I began to imagine that I would be stranded, that I would have to sleep on the station or alternatively spend huge amounts of money on a taxi home. In the midst of these imaginings the screen changed and said ‘Please stand back, the approaching train is not scheduled to stop here’. So we all stood back and watched as a train approached very slowly and ground to a halt in the station. The driver lent out and called out where he was going and it became clear that this was the cancelled train. I am suspecting that he had been told to skip our small measly station due to his lateness but decided to stop anyway. I therefore love this man as he saved me from near certain death by snow. Though obviously I love my husband more.

Once upon a time, in the not too distant past, I was terrified of using taxis on my own. I was perfectly happy to use them in the company of other people because then they took the control. I was completely unhappy to use them on my own because then I had to take the control. My fear revolved around a multitude of unanswered questions…

…. if I get one from a taxi rank, which one do I go to?

…. what if they don’t see me approaching, do I just get in or do I knock on the window to get their attention?

…. what if they don’t know the place I want them to take me?

…. is it acceptable to get in the front or do I have to get in the back?

…. if I am in one of the black taxis with a screen between the back and the drivers seat do I pay through there or should I get out and pay?

…. should I tip?

…. is it compulsory to make conversation?

 

The fear surrounding these questions was only heightened by the time that my mother once phoned for a taxi to take me home when it was dark and late…

….Everything was going well until we reached my road (which was (it actually still is, but I don’t live there anymore) one of the most confusing roads ever to exist)… the driver did not know where my house was and just drove on past the turning then after a little while asked me to tell him when to stop. Instead of saying ‘actually it was back there’ or even better, notifying him right after he had driven past it, I just said ‘ummm…. its just about here!’. So he dropped me off and then proceeded not to drive off. So I had to walk all the way back down the road the way we had come for several minutes in full view of him and thus looked like a very foolish woman.

I then vowed never to take a taxi on my own again.

Unfortunately I then decided to be a Play Therapist. In order to do this, I had to go several times to a university campus in Kent. This involved getting a train to a place called Tonbridge and then making my way to the campus which was over an hours walk. I therefore had no option but to get a taxi. I was terrified. My husband kindly researched where I should go for the taxi rank and also found numbers for taxi companies should I not find one.

On arriving at the station, I followed his directions and found a line of taxis. I approached the first taxi in the line with my heart beating in my head. I rehearsed my options for if the driver did not notice me. He noticed me. I got in. I asked him to take me to the campus. He said ‘OK’. And off we went. We had a brief chat along the way. When we got there he told me how much it was and I paid him. He gave me change. I got out. And that was it.

I did this several times, each time becoming increasingly confident.

I then got a placement in a nearby town where I again needed to get a taxi from the station. Every single Monday I come out of the station and get myself a taxi. I have now been doing this for several months. A few weeks ago the driver put my bag in the back of the car and before I had even said the place that I wanted to go he said ‘its ________ school, isn’t it?’. This week, I said where I wanted to go and the driver said ‘ah yes, the lady with the bag of toys’.

I am now a Regular Taxi User.

 

Today my feet have been cold all day. I am not sure why this is. They have three layers on them. Of course they now only have two because I took my shoes off, but that would only explain why they are frozen now and not why they were frozen between 7.30am and 6pm. It is cold today but it is not THAT cold. I have experienced colder days. Such as the one where it snowed. That would certainly be classed as a ‘Freezing Cold Feet’ kind of day. Today would be classed as a ‘Wear Three Layers on Your Feet and Then They Will Be Warm’ kind of day. I am confused and bemused about the ice blocks that are my feet. I quite possibly could be working towards developing their warmth rather than writing about it but then no one else would know about my cold feet. I feel I must share this problem that I am having as a warning to people to take action to ensure their feet never become this cold.

Therefore if you are reading this, do the following with immediate action…

1) wear FOUR layers on your feet. Today is a FOUR layer kind of day.

2) put the heating on

3) periodically jump up and down or stamp your feet to increase the circulation

4) do NOT, under any circumstances, put ice in your socks.

5) if you have an office job give it up NOW. I fear this is a large part of the reason my feet are so cold. Today has been a paperwork kind of day. I feel that my feet are allergic to paperwork. Yours may well be too.

 

Disclaimer 1: any accidents caused by jumping up and down or stamping your feet are not in any way my fault. Do not blame me. You should be more careful.

Disclaimer 2: I have NEVER put ice in my socks. I am not speaking from experience.

Disclaimer 3: If you love your office job and are sure that it is not the cause of your cold feet then it is fine to keep your job. Don’t give it up just because I said so.

Disclaimer 4: This post is in no way a metaphor. I do not have metaphorically cold feet, I have real cold feet… as in feet that are currently at a low temperature.