I keep thinking to myself that I will most certainly write something today. But then I try and I realise that there is so much going on in my head that it is hard to pick out individual themes. So instead of trying to do that I am just going to write about the happenings in my head....

... imagine you are a scribble on a piece of paper. One that goes round and round and round in circles that cross over each other in a big mess. Now make that 3D. That is my brain. It is a Scribble Ball. Every now and then I experience a very strong desire to just stop and scream, for no particular reason. Of course I don't actually do that because it is considered inappropriate (with the exception to at the end of the second verse of Row Row Row Your Boat.... "if you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream, AAAAHHH!" I'm allowed to do it then but there is only so many times that it is acceptable to do so.)

I am in the process of attempting to smooth out my scribble brain. Hopefully it will then become more of a Wavy Brain.

I am beginning to feel more in control (though I don't expect anyone reading this knew that I was out of control). I am finding enjoyment in my job again, though I still struggle with worrying too much about the other members of staff and how they feel about each other. I am organising my time a little better which will hopefully make it easier to fit in housework, writing essays, seeing friends, spending time with my husband as well as spending time on my own alongside working 45 hours a week. I am finding ways to cope better with my anxiety's and worries and sometimes they are working.

I am completely in love with my almost 10-month old niece. I only see her about once a month but she is quite honestly the most incredible baby I have ever met and I was not quite prepared for how much I would love her. It is also amazing to see my brother and sister in law as parents, they have taken to it so well. This is possibly helped by the fact that they managed to have the perfect baby... she has slept through the night since she was about 3 months old and even before that she only didn't because she had to be woken up to be fed. She loves food and is naturally weaning herself off milk. She has an incredible routine which she already knows well and though she does not like naps, when she is put down for the night she makes no fuss at all. She is amazing and I love her.

I am seriously excited for my other brother's wedding in October. I cannot wait to buy a properly expensive dress suitable for such an occasion. I am also making a ginger cake as one of their wedding cakes so I need to start practicing! We will be eating several ginger cakes before October I feel.

I must finish now so that I can continue smoothing out my brain... and also hang up the washing.

Once upon a time, in the not too distant past, I was terrified of using taxis on my own. I was perfectly happy to use them in the company of other people because then they took the control. I was completely unhappy to use them on my own because then I had to take the control. My fear revolved around a multitude of unanswered questions...

.... if I get one from a taxi rank, which one do I go to?

.... what if they don't see me approaching, do I just get in or do I knock on the window to get their attention?

.... what if they don't know the place I want them to take me?

.... is it acceptable to get in the front or do I have to get in the back?

.... if I am in one of the black taxis with a screen between the back and the drivers seat do I pay through there or should I get out and pay?

.... should I tip?

.... is it compulsory to make conversation?

The fear surrounding these questions was only heightened by the time that my mother once phoned for a taxi to take me home when it was dark and late...

....Everything was going well until we reached my road (which was (it actually still is, but I don't live there anymore) one of the most confusing roads ever to exist)... the driver did not know where my house was and just drove on past the turning then after a little while asked me to tell him when to stop. Instead of saying 'actually it was back there' or even better, notifying him right after he had driven past it, I just said 'ummm.... its just about here!'. So he dropped me off and then proceeded not to drive off. So I had to walk all the way back down the road the way we had come for several minutes in full view of him and thus looked like a very foolish woman.

I then vowed never to take a taxi on my own again.

Unfortunately I then decided to be a Play Therapist. In order to do this, I had to go several times to a university campus in Kent. This involved getting a train to a place called Tonbridge and then making my way to the campus which was over an hours walk. I therefore had no option but to get a taxi. I was terrified. My husband kindly researched where I should go for the taxi rank and also found numbers for taxi companies should I not find one.

On arriving at the station, I followed his directions and found a line of taxis. I approached the first taxi in the line with my heart beating in my head. I rehearsed my options for if the driver did not notice me. He noticed me. I got in. I asked him to take me to the campus. He said 'OK'. And off we went. We had a brief chat along the way. When we got there he told me how much it was and I paid him. He gave me change. I got out. And that was it.

I did this several times, each time becoming increasingly confident.

I then got a placement in a nearby town where I again needed to get a taxi from the station. Every single Monday I come out of the station and get myself a taxi. I have now been doing this for several months. A few weeks ago the driver put my bag in the back of the car and before I had even said the place that I wanted to go he said 'its ________ school, isn't it?'. This week, I said where I wanted to go and the driver said 'ah yes, the lady with the bag of toys'.

I am now a Regular Taxi User.

Incidentally, I am not actually a Play Therapist. I am a Play Therapist in training. Actually I am a Therapeutic Play Practitioner in training. Next year I will be a Play Therapist in training. It is all very complicated.

Play therapy is, as you may have guessed, therapy through play. Generally it is aimed at children usually under 11, although there are play therapists who work with teenagers and even adults. It works largely within metaphors through the play resources and thus with the subconscious. The primary aim is to give the child the space to sort things out for themselves. It is hard sometimes to explain how it works, but the evidence is that it does. I have currently done about 20 sessions myself and my feeling is that the power in what I am doing is largely behind the fact that the child gets 40 minutes a week with someone where they are able to do whatever they want, where there are no judgements (good or bad), where no one is telling them what to do or how to do it.... where they can just be. A child can sit in silence for 40 minutes if that is what they need (though I will admit that I am thankful that none of my 3 children have done so yet, as it would be a challenge to sit with someone in silence for 40 minutes and remain with them mentally rather than think about my own problems). This is an incredibly powerful thing as when you think about it, most children (and probably most adults) spend a large proportion of their life doing what they have been told to do and being judged for it in some way or another.

It really is an incredible thing and I am so very proud to be a part of it, to be a part of making a difference in these children's lives.

However, it is not without its difficulties. I am having to learn to try to put these children aside in my mind after their sessions and this is difficult for me. I am an obsessive sort of person, I always have been, but it is finally beginning to exhaust me. This is not helped by the fact that I am a Play Therapist on Mondays and then between Tuesday and Friday I squeeze in 40 hours of work as a Deputy Manager of a Day Nursery. I work very closely with children who have equal difficulties to those that I work with as a therapist and that is a lot for my mind to cope with. It saddens me that there are so many young children out there with such deep emotional difficulties. I would like to take all those worries and struggles away from them but instead I must help them find ways to manage them, to cope with them themselves because I cannot fix their lives.

I am finding ways to clear my mind, to relax (I am not a relaxed sort of person) and to use my free time in a way that regenerates me.

Unfortunately this week I have a cold, and having just worked around 48 hours this week I am extraordinarily exhausted and I feel that I will never feel awake again.

My husband has made me an origami butterfly and I am hopeful that will make everything well.