It has apparently been two weeks since I posted anything, and probably that long since I commented anywhere. There have been a number of things occupying my time, some good and some not so good.

I have concluded that I really do hate group work. Largely because everyone else is incapable of doing anything to my standards.

I have also concluded that I really am a last minute person. I did an entire 1000 word essay all in one day, about 3 days before it was due in, knowing that I would not have any time in those 3 days to work on it any more. Luckily 1000 words isn't all that long. But I strongly suspect I would do the same even if it were longer. I am also the leader in my group, just because I am the most intelligent (though I haven't told them that). But I have not yet done any of the work that I have been saying we need to do. They have, just not very well. Mine will be brilliant, when I get round to doing it.

I also have A Man. This is, so far, going rather well. But I will not go into any details yet for fear of jinxing it.

I have decided that I want a new job. I have suddenly, over the past few weeks started to love what I do less. I feel bored to be honest. It is no longer a challenge and I have gone as far as I can. I am starting to not want to go into work, and I am spending pretty much every day just counting the hours till I can go home. This is not me, I used to love my job and love what I do. But I think, after 5 years, I am ready to move on. To bigger and better things. I desperately want to work for an inclusion team... supporting daycares, schools and parents with children with additional needs. But I need to find out how one goes about getting into that kind of work. I also cannot really leave until I have finished this degree. So I have a year and a half left.

I want to buy my own house or at least rent my own place. But I can't do this till I earn more money. Yet another reason for moving up the ladder in my career.

I have bought and decorated my first tree. It looks gorgeous as usual. A mishmash of random decorations. I am not a colour scheme person or a pattern person. I have also not bought a single christmas present and am not likely to have much time to do so. I am thinking Christmas Eve might be a good day. I have faith that it will happen.

And that is pretty much me. What about you?

I am not autistic and nor do I have asperger's, I am probably not really on the spectrum since I am perfectly functional, but I do have some of the issues that people on the autistic spectrum commonly have. Luckily for me, I have learnt the skills to pretend otherwise. I, in my natural state, have awful conversation skills and do not react to things that most people would.

For example if you were to say to me....

'My best friend was raped'

... a 'normal' person would say something along the lines of.....

'Oh My God! That is awful, How is she? I am so shocked that happened to her, I want to go and beat up the bastard who did it!'

.... whereas I, in my natural state, would say something along the lines of....

'Oh.'

Of course I have learnt over the years that that is not considered an appropriate response and that people think of me as a cold hearted bitch (which I am not) when I do so. So instead I react with the 'Oh My God....' line of things. I do struggle to make my voice sound sincere and not like I am just reading from a script. Luckily people in these situations are usually too upset to notice that the tone of my voice is not quite correct.

It is not that I don't care, because I do, I just can't react in the way that I am meant to. Even if someone told me that they themselves had been raped I would still struggle to give the correct reaction. But I would also be the best person they could have in those moments. I am very clear-minded about it all. I can talk things through with people logically, I can know exactly what they are feeling and why they are feeling it and I can help them to realise the reasons why themselves. I know exactly what to say in all kinds of situations and I know how to word it in a way that they will respond to positively. I know exactly what people need and I can give it to them. This is precisely because of my lack of reaction. Because I am not so overwhelmed with anger, hate, hurt and despair. Because I see it as something that has already happened. Because I see the person it has happened to in a birds-eye view. I see who they are, what has happened, how they feel and what they need. I see it all so logically that I can help them through it because I know the pattern they need to take.

Disclaimer: I am not implying that my responding in this way makes me better than those who do become overwhelmed with anger etc. That is a perfectly natural reaction, but I don't have that, so I may as well embrace what I do have.

I also do not naturally have the ability to carry out an effective conversation in most situations. If it is something I know a lot about, such as childcare, you would struggle to shut me up. But when it comes to every day conversations, small talk, I can only do them because I have learnt what I am supposed to do. I still remember the day that I realised that in order to make a conversation last I could ask the person the same question they asked me. Up until that point they would ask me a question, I would answer it, and that would be the end of that. I now do this reasonably convincingly. I can't honestly say that I usually care too much about their answer, but I know that asking them the question in return means that they can start talking about themselves, the conversation will last quite some time and I will probably not have to contribute all that much.

Most people have heard of bulimia, but not that many have much understanding of it. It is known as the 'eating disorder in which people eat loads then throw it up'. It is not nearly as recognised as anorexia. You can see that someone is probably anorexic without having to ask many questions. Bulimia is much harder to spot. And even when it is known about it is not often afforded the same amount of understanding or support that anorexia receives. No wonder that my bulimic friend wishes that she were anorexic.

I have been living with a bulimic for 3 months now. I am finding it incredibly stressful, so I can only imagine how she feels after 10 years of it. Think about all the things you do in a day, think of all the emotions you experience from those. Now replace those emotions almost entirely with food. That is what it is like to be in my friends head.

For her a day goes something like this:

Wake up, get washed, dressed etc.
I'm hungry, I want to eat, but if I eat I will get fat. I will go on facebook for a bit to distract myself.
Ok, I will just go and eat one bowl of breakfast.
Some days this is successful and then I will feel good for a bit that I didn't eat much. If I manage to eat nothing I will feel even better about myself. Sometimes I eat several bowls and maybe something else too. Then I throw it up.
Go to work. This is good, I enjoy my job a lot. And it distracts me from thinking about eating.
Come home. I am really hungry. I will go for a walk or go to the gym to distract myself.
Come home. I am still really hungry. I will just have one apple or a yogurt. I am still hungry. I will just have some salad and bread. I have eaten quite a bit now, I may as well eat some more. Then it won't be in the house anymore and I can get rid of it afterwards by throwing up. I then go to bed feeling bad that I ate so much and that I am going to get fat. But tommorow I will not eat anything and I will go to the gym for 5 hours and that will make up for it. If I can just lose a bit of weight I will feel more confident. I just need to be able to see more bones, then I will feel more confident.

And that is not just my imagination of what she is thinking. Most of that is direct quotes of what she has said. She does enjoy a lot of what she does, but regardless of that a big part of the reason that she does most of it is to distract herself from eating.

She is so incredibly damaged that it is heartbreaking. She has no monstrous secret in her past beyond her parent's divorce when she was 12 and a mother that constantly criticizes her. Many people have those and cope with it, her two siblings for example. But her self esteem is so cripplingly low that she turned to food, partly as a way to draw attention to herself due to feeling shadowed by two supposedly more intelligent, more popular siblings. It was also partly to punish herself for not being good enough to keep her parent's happy and together. Partly as a way of controlling something since she has no control when it comes to her mother. She is angry at her mum for constantly picking at everything that she does, but she also feels as though she deserves it, she feels as though her mum is right for doing it.

Bulimia is not very well understood. Everyone knows anorexia is life-threatening, but bulimia is too. Bulimics are more at risk for heart attacks then anorexics. Bulimics do not generally lose weight in the way that anorexics do because despite throwing up, their stomach still retains some of the food. For this reason you can be friends with a bulimic for years, even have one in your family and never know it. Don't think that just because you have been out for a meal with someone and they didn't throw it up that they couldn't possibly be suffering from bulimia. Most bulimics love food, they love eating it, they aren't going to refuse it. But neither are they likely to throw it up in a public bathroom. That will be for later, when they get home. And if they are past the point when they are able to throw it up, they will punish themselves for days after, usually through excessive exercise or dieting.

I hope that I have given people a different way of thinking about those around them with eating disorders. I know that being on such close quarters with this friend of mine has certainly opened my mind.